“Maybe you didn’t go to heaven.” In my mind this could mean only one thing - I must have died and gone to hell. With the genesis of this thought it suddenly made perfect sense to me as a powerful rush of ever-more-dreadful fear began to seize my heart and in an instant my mind understood completely that to live in this world forever as it is, and as I am, would indeed be the perfect hell. I sat on my bed motionless. I became aware that the hallucinogenic effects of the LSD, which normally could alter my visual senses for up to 12 hours, had suddenly disappeared. I had never been more sober in my life. The only drug effecting me now was my own adrenaline pulsing through my terrified heart. The rest of that evening is pretty much lost to my memory. I can only recall, without specifics, that I made numerous attempts to re-evaluate my situation only to come to the same dreadful conclusion - I had died and was now in hell. And so began my descent into insanity.

     I have no recollection of details of the next few days what-so-ever. I do remember, however, that I continued to go to work but had almost no contact with anyone in conversation. The requirements of my job allowed me the freedom to be the zombie I was becoming. I also have very few memories of the next few weeks as I progressed into a deeper and deeper insanity. I do have one vivid recollection of being alone in my barracks room and opening my bible, hoping to find some answer in its pages. The page I randomly turned to and read was a passage that proclaimed that the wicked would burn in an eternal hell fire with no hope for salvation. After reading this passage I recall violently throwing the bible across my barracks room against the wall and then letting out some sort of animal-like moan from the deepest part of my being. Although I am uncertain about the exact time frame, I believe it was perhaps after a period of about two weeks that I began to remain conscious while I slept at night. By this I mean that I recall my body falling asleep on my bed at night from exhaustion but my mind remained awake constantly turning over and over the details of my hell - always searching for a way out - in vain. And so I would become aware in the morning that my body was awakening from the night’s sleep even as my mind continued to race to attempt to free myself through some new maze of complex thought - constantly and always desperately searching for some hidden door that might lead out of this mental prison I had fallen into.

     After a few days of this mentally and physically exhausting conscious sleeping I can recall being in my barracks room alone one afternoon. I do not know if I had just returned from work or if perhaps I had not gone in to work at all that day. The latter seems the more likely. Perhaps it was a weekend. I just do not remember. I can recall that I had slipped into a different phase of my insanity. By that I mean that I can remember being in a more accepting state of mind concerning my dilemma. I had become too worn out to continue to rage. It was more like a dull almost feeble energy that nudged me along the paths of torment in my mind. I recall sitting on my bed and glancing over to see my bible somewhere close by. The thought then entered my head that I should open it up again in order to torment myself some more. As this thought entered my mind I had a vague realization that I had become a torment junkie. I truly think I was at this point seeking new forms of torment in hopes of freeing myself from the old. And so I reached over and picked up my bible. I sat back on my bunk bed and slowly opened the book to some random chapter. I then let my eye fall wherever it would on the page before me, as I had in the past. I then proceeded to read a passage which said, “Whosoever will call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” As I read these words it was like a fire had been ignited in my mind. I recall being instantly flooded with a hope, for the first time, that there might be a way out for me. This hope of release from my mental torment was so incredibly soothing and relaxing that I fell backward on my bed closing my eyes. And laying limp there I began reciting over and over again “That’s it, that‘s it, that‘s it.” After just a few moments of this blessed release I then heard a voice in my mind ask the question, “What’s it?” I was somewhat startled by the question as